Sex and learning
One of the most impressive testimonies we heard at the conference on lifelong learning here in Changwon, Korea was given by Roxie from South Africa.
She spoke after Diarra from Mali had given an overview of the situation of HIV-Aids in Africa, and the possible synergies of formal and non-formal education for HIV-Aids prevention, treatment, care, and fighting stigma and discrimination.
What a great difference a “life story” approach can make. Roxie spoke eloquently about growing up with strict parents who warned her against prevalent teen-age sex practices, and getting pregnant. “But I attracted a lot of boys,” she admitted, “and I was curious, like girls of my age.” She does have a striking profile that draws attention.
She did get pregnant, but many years later, the father of her child married her. But he continued having sex with other women, and had only unprotected sex. “It’s funny how we are taught that we must be strong women,” she reflects, “but then this is interpreted as being able to live with knowing your man is having sex with other women, and still stick to him.”
Looking back, she also realized how absolutely dependent she was on her husband, for money ( she was unemployed ) and affection. But one day she felt sick and submitted herself for testing for a sexually-transmitted disease. She asked also to be tested for HIV, and tested positive.
“My world just crumbled,” she said. She went rapidly through the standard reactions of fear, anger, and self-pity. After some time, she decided to assume responsibility for her life. She separated from her husband, and managed to negotiate support for her family’s house rental and food.
She managed to get treatment for her HIV. The South African government provides free vaccine to people with HIV-Aids who are below the poverty line. Later, the twice a day treatment cost her 2000 rands a month ( the rand’s exchange rate to the dollar is 7 to 1) .
She got well enough to look for work and landed a job at a personal development company which gave training and coaching; she also took up leadership courses. That partly explains why she is articulate and self-confident talking to audiences about her life and learning.
One of the points HIV-Aids activists take pain to emphasize is that HIV-Aids is not only a health problem. It is a development issue and an empowerment issue. Roxie says that even with proper treatment, persons with HIV face the problem of fear ( of dying ), stigma, low self-esteem and exclusion.
She had a weekly coaching session, and her coach told her that he felt that she was hiding something. He said there seemed to be something “missing” in their conversation. She eventually opened up to him.
“He is the one I am seeing now,” she added, with a smile. Fortunately, the treatment has not only arrested the virus, but even reduced it to near-zero. More important was her realization that she was focusing too much on what should not happen, rather than start with and build on what she has.
“I learned to listen to my body,” she adds. “That is key to taking care of myself, and part of assuming responsibility for my life.”
Both Diarra and Roxie quoted the standard “ABC” advice which Secretary Flavier also used when he was secretary of health: Abstinence, “Be faithful,” and Condoms.
“When I give talk to teen-agers, I emphasize that they should take responsibility for their lives,” she says. “Since they have information about HIV-Adis even from primary grade, it is up to them to use that information. Of course they can decide in the heat of the moment to forget condoms. But they should realize the consequences. I ask them if they are willing to live with the fear and the stigma.”
When she asks the boys in townships if they use condoms, they say “No” because the condoms are too big and loose. “Either they have never used condoms,” she says, “or they must be having sex at a very young age.”
When she asks them if they intend to marry the girls they have sex with, they look at her with disbelief. “Of course not,” they tell her. “We are only having a taste.”
What about men audiences, I ask her. “They like my message to their women. I tell their wives that they must project their sexual appeal and appreciate themselves.” Many men tell her that their wives used to take care of their looks and bodies, which was the reason they got attracted to them. But after marriage, they don’t bother to dress up or maintain their appeal.
I told her about the Positive Learning Working Group which I met in Changmai, Thailand which brought together HIV-Aids activists and education activists. The PLWG has done very good work, and have contacts in the Philippines. I have a nagging worry that HIV-Aids is still “below the radar” in the Philippines, and may be more prevalent than we think.
“That may be true,” Roxie said, “since the public thinks that having HIV means looking sick or showing other definite symptoms.” But HIV can be there in apparently healthy persons, waiting for the moments of vulnerability.
One of the items we have been debating in this conference is the distinction between education and learning. At one point, my synapses switched to the distinction between education and training which Rony Diaz was supposed to have made when he was director of NMYC: “When our daughters tell their parents that their class is having sex education, we should welcome that. But it’s another matter if they ask our permission to go for sex training!”
